Words...
Sentences...
Whispers...
Looks of Fear...
Shame...
and then deafening Silence...
What Hurt's the Most when you find the courage to tell a harrowing, mind numbing secret?
This of course bears the assumption that one actually finds the courage to tell.
And yet still, once the courage is found, you still must find a way to allow the words to escape from your mouth.
You are finally going to let out your most terrifying and embarrassing secret, convinced you will most certainly choke on the words. Feeling sick to your stomach, facing your trusted person in leadership, knowing that once it's spoken out loud, it suddenly becomes more real and you can no longer pretend it did not happen. Which seems to already be more than one can bear.
You've talked yourself in and out of it a million times already, convinced that the person you are confessing to is surely going to view you differently, and you are so ashamed and filled with anxiety knowing your life has been altered forever. We usually go to someone we trust with a big secret, we assume they will want the best for us and will most certainly be just as horrified as you feel - and will want to go to bat for you, to protect you from the bad man.
But what hurts the most is when you finally get these horrible words out and the person receiving your story looks at you in shock and there's something else there...you don't see compassion, but you see fear and panic. You, in your broken state, internalize the look as disgust towards you and you instantly feel more shame. After all, we are supposed to protect the church at all costs right? Your abuser told you that if you tried to tell, no one would ever believe you. And you feel like you are trapped now, like a caged animal, all you want to do is take the words back that you just painfully released. You wish you'd remained silent.
You may even downplay the events, and begin to backtrack and withhold information.
And what is most confusing, is that instead of this person becoming your rescuer and defender...most shocking is they now begin to turn it on you.
"Have you told anyone else? Who else knows?"
"For now, let's just keep this between us ok?"
"Were you in anyway a participant in this, I mean, did you maybe flirt a little, or dress a little provocatively?"
"Why were you ever alone with him at the church, didn't you know better?"
"Did you tell him no?"
And you feel as if your chest will burst as it all rises up inside of you, as you feel the same feelings of abuse again at this very moment when you should be feeling a release of the burden and embraced in compassion to salve the wounds. Instead, the wound is more raw now, and you feel a little anger mix in, your pride is trying to rise up again, and you shut down.
Next, this person asks you to keep more secrets, keep it quiet...and you feel more burdened and ashamed. Maybe they ask you to give them a little time to "figure out the most appropriate way to deal with this," and the next few times you see them in the halls at church, they avoid you. All of a sudden they are too busy, or they "haven't had enough time yet to investigate your accusations"...and you hang your head a little lower and you pull away.
The next thing you know, the perpetrator that has broken your trust, your hope, your spirit has mysteriously (and quietly) been "asked to leave". But wait, shouldn't this be dealt with? Shouldn't they face consequences? Shouldn't they have to receive charges, counseling, accountability for their actions? To which you are told, "Well, we must think of how this type of scandal may affect the overall impact of the church." And you are shamed into feeling that you are being selfish with your little problem in light of the work of your church, it is made to seem like a sacrifice in a way for the overall good. And you just feel sick and wounded and now you feel just as violated as your attacker first made you feel. And it is such a heavy burden to carry. You just want to run and hide and wish it all away, but you can't forget. You also are now more convinced that you can never tell another soul. If you can't trust your Pastor, or someone in leadership, then who can you trust? As a person you change, your relationships are altered, you are carrying a huge burden and secret. Now the secret is worse because of the way it was received and handled, now it feels even worse and even uglier. You feel guilty about your feelings against your leadership, you question your motives as to why you felt you needed to tell...I mean, now there's disruption in the church, and you hear the whispers and the frustration that this revered person (and they usually are well loved) has had to leave the church...you constantly feel this sense of guilt. And only in moments do you allow yourself to really look at what happened to you and feel justified in your outrage. The moment you are back in church, there's a reminder of the shame, or a feeling of loss at the damage created, and you pick the guilt back up.
What a burden. What a crisis. What a crime.
And many never tell their secret to another soul. Unless in time they find that it is just too heavy and it finally comes out again years later, but too late to actually do anything about it. Why would one want to go though this experience again in fear of yet again not receiving love and support. You stuff it down, carry it around, it begins to affect everything. Church no longer looks the same to you, suddenly every word that is said needs to be examined closer, You find yourself at the end of your emotional rope and full of unresolved feelings, you begin to crack. You learn to not really trust anyone.
In the strangest twist of events, your perpetrator however, is still well respected and revered (at another church) and you remember how evil he was and the things he told you and did to you, but who will listen? You know he never apologized...he never repented...never received any help...so he is most likely still offending. And the silence is deafening. The words unspoken are screaming inside of you and you carry this pain.
How does someone get to the place where they feel they are entitled to make the decision to ignore such terrible secrets under the guise of "protecting the church?" The church was drowning the minute the wolf was let into the flock to abuse the sheep. It becomes a sinking ship and the hourglass has turned the minute secrets are being kept instead of being dealt with and acknowledged. As soon as the back is turned on that hurting, lost sheep and they are allowed to wander off to fend for themselves, the shepherd has lost his rights to tend the flock. He has a duty, an obligation, a calling to lead and protect the flock.
Oh what a shame. Most people have no idea how often this happens, how many people are hurting this way, how large of a compromise it has become in our churches, and at what a great price. Imagine that this not only happens to adults, but to children as well.
As fate would have it, eventually secrets come to light and sometimes it takes another victim before it does. You hear that the person that once abused you has found another victim. Maybe this time it is more public and now you watch as your church reacts to the "scandal" at another church...you know it happened right here to and you carry the scars and the burden of the secret. You wonder why everyone is still defending the offender, "I bet that girl made this up, he would never do such a thing, he was a wonderful man." And maybe your Pastor is asked to address the latest news, and he covers, after all he can't admit now that it happened here in his flock as well. Protect the church at all costs, even at the cost of a soul who is slowly turning from the church body.
Why do people decide that it is less favorable to be honest and confront and condone this horrible crime? Why not announce that the person has been found to not be worthy of leadership and that your church will not tolerate it and will not recommend this person at any other church in the world? Why not stand up for what you claim to believe in? Why are you able to stand behind a pulpit week after week condemning "sin" and telling people they must tithe, must serve, must obey the laws, and yet this debilitating and disgusting sin is swept away? How do you face the congregation carrying such a secret?
Forgiveness you say? Can you not forgive a person and still hold them to a boundary? Do we not do that in relationships all of the time? Would you allow a deacon to continue to collect the tithe if you learned his hand was dipping in and stealing some each week? If one of your leaders was seen frequenting the local bars and leaving drunk, would you overlook it or would you make a spectacle and ask them to step down? I know the answers, I've seen it happen again and again, and yet the most troubling and shameful of all is a giant secret and covered for. There is something so wrong with this picture.
Your first excuse and thought is, we will get bad press once the local media gets hold of the story, the scandal would be bad for the ministry. It is going to be ugly to deal with no matter what. However, which is worse, the media finding out that it happened before and was covered up or addressing it right away? What about the day the victim(s) becomes strong enough to tell the story? Now the public learns that it has been covered up for years? Things have a way of coming back around. Darkness is usually exposed.
Let's really get deep for a moment, what about the next people this person abuses? What will you feel when that person wants to know why you allowed them to move unannounced into their church to be trusted? What if there are many more? Can you live with that? Because I can promise you, it will happen again, it is just a matter of time, and it usually escalates. They are hiding in our churches, because it is the "safest" and "most trusted" places of influence and control.
Just imagine instead of becoming scandal, our churches instead rising up against this stain on the church and publicly announcing the washing of perpetrators within the church leadership - a message of no tolerance - what a news story! It would become something that nearly every church will gain a positive image for, and it would be so healing for the victims. Yes, it is ugly, and it is scandalous, it is a something no one wants to acknowledge, but it is happening still and it is very real.
To the churches that have true leadership, that have already taken this approach, I applaud you and I would love to acknowledge your courage, you are true leaders worthy of the calling. You have faced a crisis honorably, and you are few and far between. Usually your stories don't gain national recognition, it barely makes your local news. But your congregation, your family, the victim and their family, your staff...they look to you in honor. And we applaud you for dealing with this properly. Your first thought and action is to call the police and turn it over to them, allow the law to come into play and for the perpetrator to face his natural consequences. That is leadership without compromise.
ANY sexual assault, attack, molestation, intent, etc. is a crime needing to be reported and investigated. Even if they were unable to complete the act for any reason, they will continue to attempt, they will eventually abuse. Your obligation is to protect at all costs. They groom and they position themselves to have power over their prey, they have a plan. It is not flirting, it is not innocent, it is never o.k., and it is never to be ignored.
To the rest of you who have covered up, ignored, or believed the perpetrator over the victim - I have so many things to say coming from the opinions of many. Coming from the voice of a former victim, you are cowardly and you do not deserve your role. Yes, I said it, yes some may see it as disrespectful, but I also feel that the actions speak for themselves and I also know that God would never allow it and would never tell you to hide secrets. Some will say I sound angry, bitter - I am neither. I am standing tall, I am tired of hearing these ridiculous excuses and watching lives be destroyed by these abusers while you ignore them and just hope your "scandal" goes under that rug unnoticed, and you hope no one catches wind so that you and your church can look good to others, politics and pride, shameful. And some of you stand at the conventions, being pat on the back, acknowledged and acclaimed while you hold these secrets. Pride comes before the fall.
Did Adam and Eve's sin become hidden? Cain and Abel? David? Joseph's brothers? Esau and Isaac? On and on in the Bible sin is exposed and punished...and it was never done quietly. The church is becoming a Sodom and Gomorrah - no that is not dramatic, the church is becoming a safe haven for pedophiles and sexual abusers, under the guise of forgiveness and pride. The safest place to be trusted and let in now is the church. And if you are caught, they will secretly escort you out the back door and allow you to move to the next church with no scandal or warning. Or even worse, they keep the person there because they are "well liked" and "win a lot of souls" and their sin is covered up for years, there can be literally years of known allegations piling up while they "minister". What an absolute disgrace to the church, to the world, to God.
God is a jealous God. You do not damage His sheep, you do not create a stumbling block to destroy their relationship with Him, it is not taken lightly, wouldn't you agree? At the point you (Pastor/Leader) decide such a thing, you are on your own, you are no longer acting under the capacity of God's servant, you are acting as a man of your own authority and acting solely out of fear. You took a bite out of that apple, thinking you were more knowledgeable than God, and the minute you do, you need to leave the garden. Never fool yourself into thinking you have "prayed about it" and "God told you to keep it quiet". Just own it and know that your pride came before your fall. God would not instruct that this horrible crime to be ignored.
We are all human and we all fail, no one is perfect, and we cannot judge one another. We all have some form of sin in our lives. However, Biblically speaking, church leadership answers to a higher calling and has larger expectations. No matter the impact, it is an obligation within your role.
A Love Letter to All of the Victims:
To all of the "victims" of sexual abuse within the church, (I take a deep breath here) there is something that I want to communicate, but there are never words that seem to be adequate to cover the hurt and sorrow...
I am so sorry that this happened to you!
I know that reading all of the above hits all too close to home and it opened a lot of windows and doors within you - please go somewhere and deal with those, don't close them back off. Allow the wounds to be exposed to light and healing, please do not carry this burden anymore. The people that allowed you to be hurt and then those that re victimized you by not standing up for you, have to be released so that you can be the beautiful, strong, loving, relationally free, unburdened butterfly that God intended for you to be! They only hold power over you if you allow them, and they don't deserve to hold any power over you. They are not your leaders, they are just men that have misused their roles, and they DO NOT represent God your Father who grieves over your wounds. Your Father who knows your every thought, every burden, every secret, every heartache and wishes to dry every tear - He loves you with an everlasting love! Let it wash over you - yes you! You who are beautiful in His sight! You who are like treasured rubies before Him, you! He loves you! You are NOT ruined, you are NOT broken and unusable, you are NOT unworthy, you did NOT deserve this. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are whole in the name of Jesus, you are worthy of great love, you are valuable, you are a Princess of the Most High, you ARE! Receive this message of love, it is a love letter to your soul! It is a cry for all of the times no one fought for you - I am fighting for your soul to be washed clean and the burden to be lifted - I want to see you DANCE! I want joy for you! I want healing for you! I want you to have a VOICE! I want to create a ripple effect of strong, whole, beautiful women that say I am an overcomer! I am NOT a victim - I was victimized, but now I am victorious!
I love you! You are my sisters in Christ! Rise up! Let's play dress up a moment, come on, Clothe yourself mentally in your beautiful purple robe of royalty, put on that crown and stand tall beautiful warrior! Let's never let those that used us for their ugliness to ever have a moments power over us again! Not ever! They only have power if you give it to them...let's take it away!
Let's stand tall!
If you join with me, please send me a message privately and let me know, you can remain anonymous if you wish, but there is freedom in speaking your story and using your name. I will never use any information or share your name, you are safe! It is healing to tell someone your story. However, if you only want to email your name or "I am an overcomer" with no other information, that is fine too. Whatever level of comfort you feel, I do not want to create more stress or pain or panic, ever, I know what that feels like.
I believe that once we begin to stand tall in numbers, the church will see how big this problem is and the masses standing together cannot be ignored. Please do not panic, I am not meaning for you to publicly tell your secret, or ever to show your face publicly, or any exposure...I just mean in numbers. I will post the numbers - not the names, let's show the world how big this problem is and let's show them that we are not victims but we are women that need to be fought for! This is open to any men/boys as well...I am certainly not ignoring that this happens to both genders. And is equally as devastating and painful.
You often find strength in your moments of weakness!
UnbrokenAndWorthy@gmail.com
We are Victorious and Strong!!!
I Love you my fellow Overcomers,
Tiffany
The next post will be my story addressing the recent Book Written and released by the Pastor I first told my story too...and how What Hurts the Most is all too true for me personally.
http://tiffanycroft.blogspot.com/ (the beginning of my story here)
http://fbcjaxwatchdog.blogspot.com/2014/06/vines-and-b-publishing-group-have-some.html (current news here)
http://www.wadeburleson.org/2014/06/sbc-2014-tuesday-day-3.html (and here)
We Have A Voice!
